Dear George,

This is a very difficult letter to write. To say that I am a huge fan of your work would be a tremendous understatement. The first time I saw Star Wars (Sorry, I refuse to call it Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope because that was when all the trouble started!) I sat there in my seat at Grauman’s Chinese Theater with my jaw in my lap for 2 hours and 1 minute and had to remind myself to breathe on several occasions. From the very first scene, when I spotted the tip of that gigantic spaceship (and yes, I know it’s called a Star Destroyer but that name wasn’t revealed until the next film. Geez! Give me some credit! I am a nerd, ya know!) enter the frame and engulf the screen (for what seemed to be an eternity for a little kid!) you had me. By the throat, in fact.

After that, I got the toys, I got the comic books, I got the trading cards…hell, I even sleep on Star Wars sheets! Slept! I. Meant. SLEPT! I was obsessed in a way that I had not experienced before and have yet to again. I saw your movie 7 times in a theater, which is another milestone in my life that will never be repeated. Waiting for The Empire Strikes Back to come out was excruciating but I survived by creating new scenarios with my toys, listening to the soundtrack and reading the Star Wars book my mom bought me at the Scholastic Book Fair…over and over and over again. Biggs Darklighter was in the book, which confused me a bit since he wasn’t in the movie but I felt like you and I shared a little secret that no one else was privy to.

We had a bond, George! You were the best friend I ever had but never met. I finally saw Empire and loved it and even Steve Luna ruining the “big secret” in the film (please read my article, SPOILER ALERT!!! I HATE SPOILER ALERTS!!!! for context) did not rob me of an amazing experience because Yoda was there to save the day. Then came Return of the Jedi and I forgave you for letting teddy bears with rocks and sticks defeat Imperial forces because the film did a great job of tying up all the loose ends and completing the trilogy. Later I bought the VHS tapes, the laserdiscs and DVDs and forgave you for messing with the films’ special effects for the “Special Edition” re-releases. The changes were unnecessary, in my opinion, but I got to see the films on the big screen again so, once more, I forgave you. I even gave you a pass after that unholy trinity of prequels, which shall remain nameless because the very mention of them makes me break out in a flop sweat and hives! And now, after all that, you’ve done it to me again. George, please don’t misunderstand me. We’ve been through a lot together and you truly are a genius but there is only so much a man can take! Oh, don’t you play coy with me, sir! You know what I’m talking about! Yes, that’s right…the Blu-ray release, which has finally happened and is crushing my soul!

The films needed more changes? Why George, why? You are beating a dead tauntaun at this point!  Can’t you see that? I think an intervention may be in order, as this has just become ridiculous. The best man at my wedding wouldn’t do this to me. (Okay, fine, that wasn’t you but that guy had a beard, too!)  I…I…don’t know why things have come to this. I just wanted you to know that I am very disappointed. And don’t you dare expect me to go out tomorrow and buy those nefarious Blu-rays of yours…because I already did! That’s right! After all this abuse I am still willing to be the bigger man. It’s just my nature. But don’t expect me to be so forgiving in the future. Unless, of course, you plan to change the word “parsec” in Star Wars because we all know that it’s a measurement of distance and not time, regardless of what the apologists on the internet say! Although Han Solo sounds pretty damn cool saying it. And the Millennium Falcon is awesome! And that lightsaber duel between Yoda and Count Dooku was badass! Hmmm…you know what? Never mind. These films are your babies. Do whatever you want with them. I don’t care anymore. Our friendship is too important to quibble over such trivialities...

Kindly disregard this letter.

Eternally Your Friend,

Chris