Gather ‘round, boys and girls, and let your old Uncle Marge drop some knowledge on ya. Come on, don’t be nervous…be afraid. Be very afraid! Muhahahahahaha!!! Oh, I’m just joshin’ ya. But seriously, a name like Uncle Marge should at least make you a little tense. Take a deep breath and relax. I’m here to help.  Every year, during October, I like to cozy up with my ghoulfriend, turn out all the lights and watch some of my favorite films in the horror genre. These movies are the type you will never find anywhere on television, but all of them are on DVD and a few can be seen on YouTube in their entirety. That’s right, so you have no excuses. If you are a big fan of shiny-skinned, flying, brooding, wimpy vampires (AKA Twilight) then these movies are not for you. If you just adore the arbitrary dismemberment of whiny people by psychotics (AKA Saw) then these movies are not for you. If, however, you enjoy a well-told tale that unfolds gradually and creeps you out then you’ve come to the right list. (There is one film on the list that doesn’t fit this description so please forgive me. It is funny, though.) So, without any further adieu, here is my list of the Top 5 Scary Movies You’ve (Probably) Never Seen…

5. STUDENT BODIES (1981) – Back in 1981, this film was released and barely noticed by anyone. This is unfortunate because it was the precursor to the Scary Movie franchise, as it takes all of the conventions of the slasher film genre and milks them for laughs. Directed by Mickey Rose, the film follows the exploits of “The Breather” who hunts down and murders high school students. Their crime? Having sex! Duh? You don’t get a glimpse of the killer for most of the movie but you do hear his odd voice and see his rubber-gloved hands. He has a penchant for making obscene phone calls (through a rubber chicken) and saying “click” instead of hanging up, which becomes a running gag throughout the film. Silliness abounds in every scene but anyone with a basic knowledge of the movies being satirized will get a big kick out of this, especially “The Breather’s” choice of murder weapons. The jokes are often hit-or-miss but if you liked Airplane you will probably enjoy Student Bodies. And you will never feel the same about horse head bookends again…

4. PHASE IV (1974) – Some would argue that this pick is more sci-fi than horror but I completely disagree. Based on a novel by Mayo Simon, the story revolves around a colony of ants that have become highly intelligent and organized and wage war on the inhabitants of a small, desert town. The cinematography in this film is astonishing, as many of the shots of actual ants performing human-like tasks will leave you scratching your head and asking, “How the hell did they do that?!” As you can tell by the year of the movie’s release, CGI wasn’t even invented yet so only practical effects were used to create every chilling frame. I will warn you that this flick takes its time telling the story. A series of scenes edited in quick succession would not allow the viewer to experience the dread that a “slow build” creates and we have the director, Saul Bass, to thank for that. Unfortunately, the film was a financial disaster and Bass was never given the opportunity to direct again. Despite being a complete and utter bomb at the box office, Phase IV has become a cult classic in the years since. See this film and I promise that the next time you enter a room in your home to discover a dense trail of ants marching across a wall…wait a minute…what are these ants doing all over my computer?! I…uh…AAAAAAAAGH!!!

3. TRILOGY OF TERROR (1975) – This pick was originally featured as a Movie of the Week (on ABC in 1975) and stars Karen Black in one of her most seminal roles. She plays the lead in three different tales of terror entitled Julie, Millicent and Therese and Amelia. While the first two stories are good, it is the finale that makes this film worth a look. Black’s character, Amelia, comes home with a package that contains a hideous-looking Zuni doll, which is possessed by the spirit of an evil Zuni warrior. (What is a Zuni doll? Or a Zuni warrior, for that matter? Two words; Google. It.) There are no other characters in the film and that may have you thinking, “Why bother?” Well, it’s all in the execution. The Zuni doll chases Amelia all over her apartment and I will admit that some of the effects are cheesier than a 50-pound block of Velveeta but there are some truly terrifying moments! And after this movie premiered, everyone was talking about that damned doll! It was a topic of conversation for years and it could be argued that it was the inspiration for that plastic menace named Chucky in the Child’s Play franchise. You can even watch this one for free on YouTube (and I've provided the link below this article) so what are you waiting for? Do it. And make sure to clear any action figures or stuffed animals from the room ahead of time because you will find yourself eyeballing them with suspicion. You’ve been warned…

2. SALEM’S LOT (1979) – Of all the films on this list, this one is probably the least obscure. It was originally a television mini-series based on a novel by Stephen King, which has made it more accessible over the years. (There was even a remake of it in 2004, which starred Rob Lowe - avoid that one and stick to this. You can thank me later.) David Soul plays a writer named Ben Mears who returns to his childhood home of Salem’s Lot, Maine to begin work on his new novel. He plans to set the story in a house that is notorious for being haunted and soon discovers that the suspiciously-absent owner and his assistant may have sinister designs for the town. So this must be another boring haunted house movie, right? Nope. This one is all about vampires and includes some truly terrifying scenes that do not rely on excessive gore to get their point across. This is another film that builds gradually and eventually grabs you by the throat with no intention of letting go. There are sub-plots and backstory that blend together seamlessly to create a dense narrative that any true, horror fan will enjoy. If you want to see one of the most faithful adaptations of a Stephen King novel ever made, have a thirst for meticulous storytelling with plenty of spine-tingling moments or, quite simply, love vampires, then this pick has plenty of flesh for you to sink your fangs into. If you enjoy gallons of spilt blood and/or the aforementioned “quick cuts”, I can guarantee this will not be your cup of plasma. And if you are of that latter variety, I don’t know what else to say except…you suck! And not in the good, undead way either…

1. THE OTHER (1972) – There is something about twins that has always given me the creeps. I went to elementary school with a pair of them and knew their names but never spoke to them. What if I mixed them up? And what if I was talking to the evil one when I did? (And, yes, there’s always an evil one! I read that somewhere once so…don’t argue!) The Other tells the tale of two twin brothers, Niles and Holland Perry, who live with their mother, Alexandra, and grandmother, Ada, on a secluded farm in 1925. The boys’ father has recently died (mysteriously) in the apple cellar, which has caused Alexandra to become a depressed recluse who rarely leaves her bedroom. I first saw this film as a kid and the fact that twins were the stars was enough to freak me out. Add to that this little nugget; THEY HAD THE SAME LAST NAME AS ME!!! Yikes! I was convinced that we were somehow related and one day I would become some kind of psychotic. Well, I did but…I am the fun kind. Um…let’s move on. Despite being almost forty years old, this film delivers plenty of scares - even for the most seasoned fright flick fan. Like most gothic horror films, this one grabs you on a psychological level and delivers some sickening scenes that crank up the anxiety factor to a fever pitch. One major reason that The Other succeeds where similar films fail is its use of a “less is more” approach. While there are a few graphic scenes, for the most part we are left to our own imaginations to fill in what isn’t shown. This technique works brilliantly here and is used in many of my favorite horror films. If you feel the same way, see this film. And if you are a twin and were offended by my stereotyping of your kind, I sincerely apologize. If you are the evil one, I TRULY, MOST SINCERELY, WITH ALL OF MY HEART AND SOUL, DOWN TO THE BONE APOLOGIZE!!! I REALLY DO!!!

Please don’t hurt me…

So there you have it. That’s my list. I know, I know, every movie on it is at least 30 years-old, which is a big reason you haven’t seen them. If they’re good enough for DVD, they’re good enough for you. Give ‘em a look. And if I don’t see you beforehand, have a Happy Halloween, boys and girls! This is your old, Uncle Marge signing off. Now go away…