I love vampires! I love everything about them; their sleep schedule, their immortality, their plasma-rich diet…okay, maybe not that last one but everything else? I’m in! So it displeases me to no end to report that I hate the Twilight films! And not just a little. I hate them with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns! From Edward’s brooding, sucked-in-cheeks to Bella’s…well, she’s just a colossal bore quite frankly and not the kind of girl that a vampire with over a century of living (or is it un-living?) under his belt would pay any attention to. The guy has lived through World War I and II, the Great Depression, the Cold War and the music of Milli Vanilli, so why would he become enamored with any girl just five years out of puberty? The conversations about Taylor Swift and The Jersey Shore alone would make any vampire his age seek out a nice body of water to stand by at sunrise…oh, wait…I forgot…his skin just gets all “diamondy” in the sun. REALLY?!?! IS HIS MOTHER EMMA FROST?! WHAT THE FU—

Sorry. My left arm became numb and the room started spinning before I passed out. I feel fine now and I hope you appreciate that I am risking my health to write this article. Now back to the matter at hand…

The whole relationship between the two main characters makes no sense to me and don’t give me the obligatory, “But Bella is immune to his telepathy” argument either! You found one girl with that quality, Edward, now go find a woman with it, for shit’s sake! But there is another glaring issue I have with these films; the acting. With the exception of Anna Kendrick and maybe, just maybe, Taylor Lautner, I find the performances to be lackluster. And Kristen Stewart…what can I say about her except, the Razzie Award nominations are well-deserved. Bella has the emotional depth and charisma of a cantaloupe and not the Listeria-laced kind either. Now that would be compelling! And I am not talking about Stewart as an actress in general, just in the Twilight series, because I think she is giving the performance that the director wants. Overall, regardless of who the director is, these movies are heavy-handed, poorly told stories with one-dimensional acting that prove some things don't have to be good to be popular.

And lest I forget Stephenie Meyer, the demented wordsmith behind this debacle. If you haven’t read the books (and don’t read them! Unless of course you’ve eaten some suspect shellfish and need an alternative to Ipecac.) I must inform you of how atrocious the writing style is. If you’re an adolescent girl, you probably won’t notice because you’ve been hypnotized. That’s right. Meyer has done two very clever things in the books, which I will give her credit for, and they are, in my opinion, what has made the series so successful. First, the entire tale unfolds in the form of a first-person narrative from Bella’s point of view and this is entirely intentional, as it causes teenage girls to not only empathize with Bella but embody her as they read. This little strategy allows Meyer to give very little description of her heroine, which is not the case with Edward at all. The depiction of him is so sickeningly specific that a vivid image is created in the reader’s mind, which is the second clever device utilized to hypnotic effect in the books. It is any wonder that fans of these volumes rush to theaters in droves after having their brains infected in such an insidious manner? Is such sinister psychological manipulation not akin to child abuse? You should search your heart, as well as your head, for the answer to that compelling question, dear reader…

Finally, I would like to point out what disturbs me most about the whole Twilight phenomenon. Vampires should be bloodthirsty, vicious and evil. Period. They shouldn’t be shiny-skinned, flying squirrels, jumping from tree to tree in the forest after an impromptu, family game of baseball! That scene, in the first film, was enough for me to be completely ejected from the story and I immediately thought, (borrowing a phrase from Edgar Frog in the film The Lost Boys), “Great! The bloodsucking Brady Bunch!”

Also, vampires cannot be exposed to sunlight, people! That is one rule that everyone can agree on, is it not? I don’t mind if writers toy with the conventions a bit but dropping trou and giving them the fecal treatment is unacceptable! I…I…hmmmm…maybe you think I’m looking at this all wrong? That I’m overreacting? That I’m just a bitter old man? Maybe you’re right. Maybe I’m all those things. You know, I have a new take on an old subject myself. I think it would make a great series of books and movies. It’s the story of a group of people that have a sickness. They are unfairly persecuted and killed by vicious thugs all over the world. It’s called Vegetarian Zombies: A Love Story! Sound good? No? I think I’ve made my point!!