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by Shadow on 05.08.11  As I write this review, I would like it to be known that I’ve been working the graveyard shift, day shift, and 12 hour shifts these past two weeks. These are not the shifts I am accustomed to working and, as anyone who has had to change their shifts on the fly can agree with me here, it can take a toll on one’s physical state. My body is confused. It doesn’t know what time it should be awake, aware, or asleep. To top it all off, I have family visiting, so things have been even more hectic than usual. I’m not asking for pity here. Just looking for understanding. Now, I love RPGs. I grew up on platformers, but RPGs were always there for me. They helped me with reading comprehension, and to expand my imagination. So in hard times like these, there’s nothing better than a good ole’ RPG right? Right? Battle Slots RPG is a new RPG from 8Monkey Labs where it takes the clues from downloadable games such as Puzzle Quest and mixes it together with the kind of slot machine action you would see in Vegas. That’s right, an RPG with slot machine mechanics. How does that work?
Before I run off with the main draw of the game, let me introduce you to the world of Battle Slots. Tellus was once a peaceful land until one day where things went wrong. The once tranquil and peaceful land has now fallen under a terrible evil. It is up to you, a brave soldier (or medic or wizard whatever) to use your magical slot machine device to travel the land and help out those in need, and hopefully save Tellus. That’s right. You’re a hero who has stumbled upon a magical slot machine which allows you to fight back against the evils of the land who.. also... have magical slot machines to fight you with. Evils such as Pigeons, Weasels, and Fish. Eventually, you’ll make your way towards more formidable foes such as Dragons, Wyrms, and the Undead.
The main attraction to this game is the battle system. It’s a slot machine. That’s it. Well... not really. In town you will need to adjust the likelihood that you will get the colors you need in order to fill up your mana or energy depending on which class you play as. Each class has it’s own spells and abilities that you can use after winning at a game of slots. Each turn you take a spin and hope that you get at least three in a row of something so you can fill up your points and attack your opponent. Later on, you can learn new abilities that can lock up your opponent’s machine, heal yourself, or allow yourself free spins. It all still depends on luck. Battle Slots has mostly everything you’d expect out of an RPG these days. You travel from town to town accepting main story quests as well as side quests. While walking around the map, you can be ambushed and either kill or catch the creature in order to learn new skills from them. You know, the usual. The problems I have with this is that the fights are boring, everything outside of the battles look bad, and it felt exactly like the first Puzzle Quest game. The battles themselves are something else. For the most part, you’re clicking on the Spin button and hope that you get a good match. Now I have bad luck, so more often than not, I would sit there with no mana to cast my spells while my opponent has hit his cap and is throwing everything they had at me. Don’t get me wrong. I went to town and adjusted my machine to give out mostly mana, but Lady Luck is a whore and I’m left dealing minimal damage with the physical attacks I can barely muster. Not so good for a caster.
The artwork is very generic. Tellus feels like random continent number 2 and most of the character models are as cookie cutter as can be. All of the animation must have been put into the battle mechanics. The spinning of the slots and the effects of the spells don’t look bad. Battle Slots’ narrative isn’t top notch to say the least. You’re a hero. You set off on a journey to save the land. You come across towns where people want to you to go to other towns to fight more monsters. It’s generic and forgettable. The best writing is in the one liners you’d give when attacking a monster. They’re great because.... no wait a second. Those one liners are direct quotes from other movie and game franchises that have no context whatsoever. “This is my boomstick” as I prevent my opponent from spinning. “You fight like a dairy farmer” as I heal myself. The game feels like Puzzle Quest without the fun of the puzzles, it looks worse than a free weekly comic and the dialogue sounds like something my autistic nephew would shout out while fighting an imaginary dragon. There’s also no clear way of knowing how to save your game at first. Battle Slots RPG feels like it wants to forget that there are good games out there or that you’ve already played every single other game out there. It just wants to be played, but I can’t figure out who this game is for.
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