• Movies

by Dr Chris on 09.08.11

Shark Night 3D is a movie that should have been on the SyFy Channel during a Saturday night creature fest rather than released in theaters. My friend and actor, Corin Nemec, made two of those types of films for SyFy - and they were much better than this film. Shark Night 3D is a sad attempt to try to cash in on last year’s hit, Piranha 3D. The ONLY problem is that little fish movie had LOTS OF BLOOD AND BOOBS; this film had neither. If it did more horror fans might have been inclined to see it. When you call a film Shark Night, that's what we’re looking for; not a PG-13 tease with full of side breasts and sharks that devour whole people in one bite.

Piranha 3D benefited from an enviable R rating and the great Alexandre Aja at the helm; a man who know for good horror films as of late. Shark Night 3D does have a bunch of attractive, stereotypical college kids - including the dumb jock (Sinqua Walls), the sensitive intellectual (Dustin Milligan) and the aloof princess with the complicated past (Sara Paxton). One sad note about the casting is Joel David Moore (Hatchet, Avatar) - his talent is wasted in this film, as is Donal Logue (Ground for Life, Blade). This film also stars Casper Van Dien's clone, Chris Carmack, an actor whose resume is direct-to-DVD sequels to good films. The director, David R. Ellis, is struggling to make the transition from Snakes on a Plane to teeth in the water.

To briefly touch up on the plot devices, we have a Louisiana cabin, a suspiciously shark-stocked saltwater lake, as minimal wardrobe as possible, and a mostly young cast (who are game if nothing else but unmemorable). Ms. Paxton, in particular, deserves better. Previously terrorized by human predators in the 2009 remake of The Last House on the Left as the rape victim, here she is little more than shark bait hampered by a ridiculous back story. Her and hers friends go on vacation from school, get picked off one by one and learn the secret of why there are sharks in this salt water lake beyond the explanation of a fucking hurricane dumping them there. It almost works if the rest of the film did not fall apart at every possible turn.

Filmed on Caddo Lake, near Shreveport, Louisiana, the script tests the limits of PG-13 rating with the usual lecherous rednecks, proving only how tough it is to lust in a family-friendly fashion. The result is a movie that isn’t crummy, exactly, just blah: when the freakiest teeth on screen belong to a redneck and not the sharks themselves you know there might be a problem. A bite from a great white would put Shark Night 3D out of its misery any day.